This is a tricky one. My depression makes me want to say that I haven’t had anything to celebrate recently, so that is an easy no. But the part in me that is fighting back against that would say that I have certainly tried, but the ways in which I have celebrated have been unhealthy. I have been overeating, overdrinking, overspending, sleeping too much, and dissociating a lot. I am no longer punishing myself for these things because they are lifelines I’m throwing myself to make sure I don’t fully collapse.
I’m also terrified of admitting my accomplishments because I keep wondering if I’m really supposed to celebrate these things. Like, do I give myself props for doing my damn job? Yes I was a good therapist today. But I’m supposed to be a good therapist everyday, so why just celebrate this one time? And if I celebrate being good today, does that mean I’ve been bad the other days? Am I fucking people up because I’m fucked up?!!!
I ask myself that last question literally every single day. And as you can see, my path from saying something positive about myself to completely self-deprecating thoughts is a short one. So short it almost has a complex. I’m sure I’m not alone in this spiraling process. Many of us struggle to say something nice or do something for ourselves. It usually takes very little for us to praise others and Olympic level feats for us to do that for ourselves.
I am working on this. What helps me is accountability, so I tell my persons that I have these things happening and they big me up. And since I know they are not liars, if they are hyping me I must be doing something right. So I believe in my support persons, and they help me celebrate not only my accomplishments, but me.